[***]
Hey, didn't I just pay bills last month?
Just the ones stamped "final notice."
This month we're doing the ones
personally delivered by the sheriff.
Where's your mother?
She said she couldn't watch this.
It depresses her.
So she took your wallet, and she went shopping.
But if that damn woman isn't here,
who am I supposed to yell at?
She left this.
Go ahead, Dad.
Yeow!
Who could run up a $260 phone bill?
PEGGY: I'm sorry, Al.
I made a mistake.
It'll never happen again.
[GRUMBLES]
All right.
Yikes!
A hundred and sixty dollars for a haircut and a manicure?
I can explain that one.
You better!
It was just a one-time thing,
and it'll never happen again.
All right.
Aah!
Who spent $50 on a tape recorder?
Oh, Al, I'll never do that--
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Oh, hi, Mom.
No, I'm just putting a tape together
for that idiot husband of mine.
Oops.
Erase that, Kelly.
KELLY: I will, Mom.
PEG: Don't forget, now.
KELLY: I said I will.
What do I look like, an idiot?
[CLICK]
Hey, I'm gonna do it.
Ahh!
Well, that's done.
Now, let's see what's left
to go into the old savings account.
Hey, a big nickel.
See, kids, one day, all that will be yours.
I said one day!
Dad, I hate to be the fly in your Preparation H,
but, uh...
you missed a bill.
You know, Daddy,
you should do what Mom says:
you should marry somebody who's got a job.
Didn't your mom ever tell you that?
No, honey.
My mom told me to marry an anchor
and cling to it as it sinks to the bottom.
Chicko's Storage?
What the hell is Chicko's Storage?
Our storage bin.
What the hell do you mean, storage bin?
Nobody told me about a storage bin.
What could we possibly put in a storage bin?
Thanks, Adolfo!
Just put the rest in the storage bin!
Oh.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
Hi, honey.
Hi, pookie.
What you got there?
Uh...
it's a boar's head.
I know, but what do you have behind your back?
No, I saw it, Daddy.
It is a boar's head.
Rest, honey.
Peg, why did you buy a boar's head?
Well, if you must know, it aroused me.
Glassy eyes, stuffing for brains,
nothing below the neck.
Nail it to a toilet bowl, it could be you.
No, it couldn't, 'cause unlike me,
someone loved him enough to put a bullet in his head.
I can't live like this.
I already got a dog and three leeches.
What am I gonna do with a boar's head?
All right.
Kids, take that thing to the garage.
All right. Let's go.
No, no, no, no!
The boar's head.
You gotta be
a little bit more specific, Mom, because--
Yeah, I mean, usually when you say "that thing,"
you mean Dad. I know.
Peg, this has got to stop.
Oh...
I'll do with that thing what I should've done to you after the wedding:
strap it to the hood of my car, take it back to the woods where it belongs.
You can't take it back.
I got it at a yard sale.
Peg, don't you know
the things you buy at a yard sale
are just junk?
No, they're not.
That's where I got your reading glasses,
and the brake linings for your car
and antibiotics for the kids.
Besides, you buy a lot of worthless junk, too,
like your bowling ball.
Peg, I go bowling.
You don't go boaring.
Well, once every couple of months I do.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Yoo-hoo! It's me!
See, Peg,
this is why I tell you, lock the door.
Peggy, the most wonderful thing happened.
I have a date.
Oh!
Al!
Marcy has a date!
Gee, they must be selling parkas in hell
right now.
Well, we can only hope your dad can afford one.
So, what's he like?
Is he tall? Is he rich?
Is he sighted?
Al, Pick a hole in your head
and stick your finger in it.
Grownups are talking.
Peggy, my mistake was looking for a man to love,
when all I really needed was a man to hurt.
I think I found him. He's perfect.
Are you going to have sex with him?
Well, you heard her say she wants to hurt him.
Anyway, this is not something I'd admit
in front of a man,
but I'm a little nervous about this sex thing.
It's been a long time.
Three months.
[LAUGHS]
I could do three months standing on my head.
I'm just so used to Steve.
It was his one strength.
Well, that and show tune trivia.
But what if this guy's no good at all?
Well, you've come to the right place.
I'll tell you,
the most important thing the first few times
is to make them feel
like they're doing a good job,
even when they're not.
You know, I say things like,
"Oh, honey, I wasn't laughing at you.
I was just thinking of a joke."
Oh, or, "You know, when it's the real thing,
it only has to take but a minute."
Oh, and you should always keep a little cup of water
by the side of the bed,
sort of sprinkle your brow.
He'll really think you're into it.
I've gotten a few "suffer, baby's"
from Al with that one.
Oh, and then...
if you have a free hand,
which I always do,
you wanna just sort of reach over to the clock
and move it forward.
It's a good confidence builder.
And always...
practice moaning to cover up your yawns.
You know, I guess what I'm saying is,
you've just gotta leave the man
with something.
Peg, you forgot about your best secret move:
you know, spitting Cracker Jacks while you shout instructions.
Oh, and the passionate
"Remember, tomorrow's garbage day"
at just that right moment.
See, I can't speak for all men, but that turns me into a tiger.
Dad, there's no more room left in the garage.
I had to take this out to get the boar's head in.
Hey, look what else Mom bought.
A collection of Danish Dames magazines.
Hey! That's not mine.
How-- How the heck did those get in there?
Damn vandals must have left them.
I'll make sure
they're put in the trash where they belong.
Idiot.
Peg, what's this?
Oh, that's an ashtray
that teaches you geography.
That way you can smoke and learn.
What a find!
Where'd you get it?
Hampee's garage sale.
How could I have missed it?
I was there when they opened.
Did you see the three-legged chair?
Got it. Damn!
You know, the only thing better
than going to a good garage sale
is having your own.
When I was a little girl--
Oh, help me!
We'd have a garage sale every summer.
My mother would sell anything:
old lamp shades, record albums,
the training bra off my back.
What were you, about 25?
I was 13
and making more money than you.
Anyway, our garage sales were always a big success.
We made $500 once.
My personal stuff was the biggest seller.
I guess when you see a little girl cry
as strangers pry her cherished belongings
out of her hands,
people think they're getting a real bargain.
Why, the big 50 cents they got for my dog Chester
helped pay for that weekend in the mountains
my parents took without me.
But I guess I would have been a real downer,
you know, screaming,
"Chester, Chester, please come home.
I can't live without you."
I don't think about it much...
except for the times when I wake up screaming.
Five hundred dollars, you say?
Marcy just gave me a great idea.
Peg, scrape the dog doody off the grass.
The Bundys are having a yard sale.
Al, I can't believe you're doing this.
You're selling my life's work.
Not your whole life's work.
I'm keeping my knotted bowels.
Dad, what's the price on this?
Mm, 10 cents.
Winky?
You can't sell Winky.
Pookie, Winky's dead.
Why would you buy a dead bird?
Well, they said
he could speak over 100 words.
Okay, make it a quarter, son.
How much, Dad?
Oh, no.
You can't sell this painting. It's unique.
It's Paris Seen Through the Eyes of a Dead Man.
Kids, tie your mommy up.
Al, I have spent 10 years amassing these treasures
from the four corners of the block.
How can you--
How can you sell these things
when there's all that useless stuff
in the house?
You know, there's a vacuum and a stove
and your side of the bed,
your second pair of underwear...
Begone, woman.
You stink.
Kids...
did you put the ad in the paper?
Mm-hmm. Signs around the neighborhood?
BOTH: Mm-hmm. Thumbtacks in the street
so the cars will get a flat in front of the house?
Yup.
[TIRE POPS, AIR HISSING]
We're open for business.
Yep.
Open for business.
Look, honey! A parrot!
Hi, pretty bird.
[SQUAWKS]
Take me home.
I wanna be part of your family.
I love you.
[SQUAWKS]
Excuse me.
Isn't that you talking?
How dare you come into my own yard
and accuse me of passing myself off for a dead bird?
Look, we're sorry, uh...
How much?
[DEEP VOICE] And I'll take this,
and this, and this.
Oh, my.
What can I do for you?
How much for this wagon wheel?
Twenty-five cents.
That's ridiculous.
I'll give you 50 cents.
No, my daddy says 25.
Bud, you notice anything unusual over there?
Which do you mean, Dad?
Mom dressed like an idiot,
or Kelly for the first time using the word "no."
And I'd like this, and this, and this.
Dad, I got a live one here.
She'll buy anything.
Watch.
Twenty dollars.
I'll take it.
What an idiot.
Kelly, go change the newspaper
under the dead parrot's cage.
I'll handle this.
Soak her, daddy.
Winky's waiting, honey.
Hello, Peg.
Hi, Al--
[DEEP VOICE] I mean, uh...
Hello, mister.
[CLANKING]
Peg...
the cow bell.
You stink.
Burger?
Yeah, I'll have a couple.
Son...
Have I told you not to marry?
Yeah, Dad.
Good. That's good.
Have I told you
not to be a shoe salesman?
Yeah, Dad.
I guess I've told you everything I know, then.
Son, what do you wanna be
when you grow up?
Well, I was--
Yeah, I wanted to be a football player.
Now I just wanna be like him.
Sure, you have to eat a bowl full of
the private parts of horses, but...
then you go to the bathroom on the lawn,
and somebody says you did good.
That's all I wanted:
to lie in the sun, to run in the grass,
to see a good-looking bitch
through a chain-link fence...
Ah, what's the use? It'll never happen, so...
* A dog is an animal With big, floppy ears *
[SOBBING] Oh, God.
What's with Dad?
He's having the dog dream again.
Good boy!
You know, I can't understand
why we can't sell any of this junk.
Well, honey, see, lawn sales are based
on the Bigger Idiot theory.
You know, nothing's so dumb
that some bigger idiot
won't come along and buy it,
but the flaw in that theory is
that eventually you get to the head idiot.
And, uh, you call her "Mom."
So what do we do, Dad?
Give up and become Sanford and Son?
No. I'll think of something.
Remember the Bundy credo:
"a Bundy never wins, but a Bundy never quits."
No, Dad, it's "a Bundy never eats."
No, no, no, it's "a Bundy never learns."
Wait, isn't it "a Bundy never dies"?
No, "a Bundy never cares."
Shut up, the two of you. Shut up, the two of you.
Just give me one minute to think about this.
and I'll think
of a brilliant way to get us out of this.
Ho, ho, ho!
Welcome to Bundyland, the happiest place on earth!
Having fun?
This reeks.
Just pet the damn dog.
[GROWLS]
Bud, how we doing on the Wheel o' Fun?
Great, Dad.
Hold on tight.
[GRINDER ORGAN PLAYING CIRCUS TUNE]
Why do men treat me like I'm stupid?
[IMITATING PARROT] Beats the hell out of me.
They treat me that way too.
Maybe it's because we're blond.
[SQUAWKS]
Hey, P.T. Barnum.
So, you didn't think I could get a guy, huh?
Well, I did, and he can't wait to get his hands on me.
But I made him stop here first
so you could see what a real man looks like.
Check him out.
The best thing about him
is that he's a one-woman man.
Then that must be her now.
Roland, get back here.
When I buy a guy dinner, I expect something for it!
Ahh...
Al...
I'm so depressed.
Welcome to Bundyland,
the depressingest place on earth.
I was just over at the Friedmans' garage sale
down the block.
You know what they're saying?
"Why does your husband go on living?"
No, no one knows I'm married.
They're saying that all my stuff,
my treasures
are junk.
Peg, I've been telling you that!
Yeah, but these are strangers.
I care what they think.
Oh, Al, I've failed me.
As usual, I can see that you're making it big.
All right, everybody, family meeting.
Kids...
it is with a heavy heart that I have to report
that Bundyland
is a complete and total failure.
A first for anything named Bundy.
Gee, I wish it could be
like one of them big wanker hoedowns.
You know, where everybody gathers around the still
and they play spin-the-cousin.
Now, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna take everything that's left--
That includes everything.
--and dump it in a stranger's yard.
[IMITATING PARROT] What if someone sees us?
[SQUAWKS]
Just mutter something in German.
We'll blame it on the Schultzes.
Right, Dad.
Now, Peg...
have you learned anything this time?
No.
Then I'll explain it to you.
Peg, you have attended your last garage sale.
See, pookie, we're broke, and you're stupid,
and the combination
just doesn't work out for the family.
Peg, don't you realize
that we don't need all this stuff
to be miserable?
We've got each other.
Oh, Al, I know you're right.
I know I have to stop, but I can't.
It's like that stuff just beckons to me,
and I feel like I have to buy.
And yet you never feel the need
to cook a meal or wash a sock.
Hey, what am I, sick?
All right, Peg, let's start clean.
Clean garage, clean yard,
separate beds.
I know!
We'll even start eating.
[CHANGE RATTLING]
Honey, I'm going to give you $10.
Now, I want you to buy.
No animal heads or paintings
or Hoss Cartwright ceramic memorial hats.
Just food.
Do you think you can do that, pookie?
I can do it, Al.
I've bought other things.
I can buy food!
Al, you're looking at a whole new Peggy!
Maybe this one won't be able to find her way home.
Must buy food. Must buy food.
I must buy food.
I'm gonna buy food.
I'm gonna buy...food.
Buy me.
No.
Buy me.
I have to buy food!
Buy me.
Well...
okay.
[***]